Make you believe in me.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
My stress and depression has caused me to lose ten pounds. So I suppose that's a positive side effect of being depressed. I just weighed myself yesterday and realized I was 10 pounds lighter. Well anyways, things have been really crappy.
Today just started horribly. Got into school, already in a bad mood because I was exhausted and I went to put my sweater into my locker and what's at my locker? A lock. Somebody put a flippin lock on my flippin locker. Heads up: I do not lock my locker because there is nothing in there to steal and because I hate using the locks. I'm not sure if another kid switched a lock or if a custodian put it on or what. So anyways, I went down to the office and talked to the lady down there about it and she said that the locker is no longer technically mine because me and Kayla shared a locker and since Kayla dropped out, it's not mine. Even though back in 9th grade they TOLD us to have a locker "buddy" because there wasn't enough lockers to go around.
I got my five week report which was really good except for Math. I have a D in there. But oh well, I'll bring it up I hope. My Dad picked me up early today because I had two study halls in a row for 6th and 7th. Then I came up here to my aunts and whatnot.
Yesterday, Dorothy was going to drive me home so we went to get in her car and she went to start it and it wouldn't start so we had to walk to her house and then her parents came home and figured out that the key was worn down or something so they had another key and then she drove me home.
I feel miserable...I wrote a lot today about how alone I feel. It's almost a feeling of being abandoned by everyone around me. No one being there.
Right now I'm waiting for Zach to get here and drive me home. He'll probably forget me. Everyone else does hah.
I'm never good enough.
Labels: desperation
1 spoke out
man, if they kicked me out of my locker, I'd be pissed!
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Will you swear on your life, that no one will cry at my funeral...
Thursday, October 11, 2007
I wondered today why I'm so stupid. I wondered why I am like this. This unfertilized embryo leaves my body, sometimes painfully.
I love him some days and others...I think of his stupidity, his bliss ignorance. I'm jealous of his contentedness, his ignorant happiness. His lack of empathy.
I hear a slight whisper of my name. Some door slams possibly. I laugh with them, buy my laugh feels empty. I can't remember the last time I truly laughed. Did I ever truly laugh? What does it matter really?
I. That is what it's all about really.
This week's been boring. Hung out with Zach yesterday for a little while. Watched Silent Hill for the first time. It was pretty decent I guess. I didn't really like the ending. Then we went on a ride over to Wolf Hollow. That was alright.
Stayed home from school today because I was so worn out. I slept til around 12:00. Then I did some overdue math homework and wrote my paper on The Children of the Corn for Mr.Mattice and wrote out five examples of imagery from One From The Road. I have to read more of The Great Gatsby for Mrs.Forte but I really don't want to. I hate this book so much.
Hung out with Kayla, Chantal, and Will on Wednesday. That was alright. I only was there for like two hours. Will's friends from B-Spa picked him up around 9. I had a huge headache yesterday. Zach's gonna drop me off at Ray's tomorrow and then pick me up again around 8 when he gets out of work and we're gonna go up to my aunt's and watch movies or something. I wanna go to down to Barnes and Noble or Border's and get Nikki Sixx's book "The Heroin Diaries". It looks pretty good.
I'm exhausted so I'm gonna go to bed.
Night.
1 spoke out
god, you remind me so much of me a few years ago. thebeginning of this post seems like sometihng i would have written
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Tinted Windows
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Why do people tint their windows? We begin to accept the way the world looks through them. Dim. And when everything is tinted and dim, you don't know if it really is gloomy outside or not. At least until you open the window. All you can know about the weater is if it's windy or not, from watching the trees move. But it doesn't matter unless you can feel it. I feel it today. I'm inside this school with its false light, yet I still feel that coldness of the outside.
Labels: dim, gloom, life, tainted, tinted windows
1 spoke out
Wow, this is deep. I think people live through tinted windows because it gives them the illusion of safety in a world that hurts them. Personally, I think it just shelters them from the truth and gives them a false sense of reality. You never learn unless it's from experience.
♥*
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Two posts in one day? Crazy.
Monday, October 1, 2007
I also had to do a definitive essay for writers workshop. So I wrote on the word "Freedom." I think this is a pretty bad essay for me but oh well, I'll post it anyways.
According to the Oxford dictionary, freedom is the power to act or speak or think without externally imposed restraints. The same dictionary lists the four basic freedoms as being freedom of speech, freedom of religion, freedom from fear, and freedom from want (hunger). However, I believe that it’s so much more than that.
Freedom to me is living without fear. Fear is only absent however when you have no hope and even then fear can still be present. What good is freedom though if you have no hope?
The only freedom that really matters is your inner freedom; if you are free inside. You can still be free even if you’re physically enslaved. Your mind is free to think what you want it too even if your body isn’t.
“Freedoms just another word for nothing left to lose” were the famous words of Janis Joplin in her song “Me and Bobby McGee” and I tend to agree with her.
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Dream Narrative
I had to do this for my writers workshop. I had to write a narrative of a dream I had so I decided I might as well put it on my blog, here it is:
The swing isn’t small anymore. It’s still a bright red and the ropes that hold
it up are smooth and tied together still. The back is not broken. I feel
nauseous from repeating the same swinging motions with my my legs. I push
against the tree with my feet. My eyes are focused on its knots.
One particularly large knot sticks out to me.
It looks like a nose. The curvature is perfect. It almost looks like a cartoon
nose of Jimmy Durante. Although the nose looks like a cartoon nose, I find it
more solemn than laughable.
I’ve found an eye.
The eye just happens to be above the nose. A side profile of some sort. I can’t
seem to find a mouth. The tree is so tall and old. It seems that it has a
furrowed brow. He’s looking angrily at me. I assume it’s a him. Actually I know
and that’s okay.
“What gives you the right to push your
legs against me?” he says. Mouth gaping open as I skid to a stop, possibly
killing innocent insects and kicking dirt into dust that tastes awful in my dry
mouth. The tree seems extremely angry and annoyed with me. “Well I didn’t know
you were alive.” I say. “Maybe you should have asked. Parts of me are dead
just like you.” He replies. Confused, I say “What do you mean? I’m only a little
girl!” This seems to anger him even more than my pushing feet against him
earlier. “I’ve been here for 322 years. I’ve had parts of me die and fall off. I
grow new parts, sometimes they’re stronger…bigger. Sometimes small and weak.
Children have played in my branches, ripping my bark off. I have supported that
noose that lynched black men and women.”
The sky had
seemed to turn the gloomiest of grays and the trees solemn stern face turned to
rage. It was as if the gloom was a full moon effect on a werewolf. The ground
seemed to shake and the tree began to lift its roots out of the ground like a
person struggling to lift their feet out of the mud. He came towards me with the
choppy steps of a toddler. I’m now running for my house. I manage to open the
screen door. I watch the tree through the screen door running for my
house.
I’m in a cold sweat, thrashing, unable to free
myself from the confines of my tangled blankets. I’ve woken up; I turn to see
her next to me. She sleeps with no guilt. I’m not sure which situation is the
nightmare.
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