>>>Just leave it to Weaver

Enh

2007-12-22T17:59:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to update on here really anymore I don't think. I've pretty much moved over to livejournal, so check me there:
www.junkiemessiah.livejournal.com
Add me.

Useless Ramblings

2007-12-03T09:03:00.000-08:00

Blood on my tongue.
Blood on my chewing gum
Your beautiful when your numb.
The computer types for itself
Like some kind of demon posessing me.
Prose and poetry.
Killing livestock, fish, and poultry
As if we were some sort of primative beings.

I did something last night
I did something that wasn't right
Alone
I watched it run like a river
Run like the semen in your jeans
Run like a convict escaping from San Quentin
Run like ME

I saw god once and he told me he couldn't let me in
I saw god once and I told him he was some sort of bitch
god saw me once and he said i was a disgrace
well i told god he made me, I wasn't the only fuck up in this human race

I am WHORE, holy, LOVED, lonely, killing all the others that I've been

2007-11-26T10:46:00.000-08:00

New layout, I was bored with the Courtney Love, so here it is, made by me, Otep layout with lyrics from the song Perfectly Flawed. The lyrics are good. In case you can't read it, it says "I'm injecting my reflection cause I hate the way it judges me."

Things have been pretty dull lately I guess. Last night I went out with Sam, Brad, and Cory. We went down to the mall and I pushed Sam around in a shopping cart and then we picked up Udder and went to Sasafras Park which was freezing. I'm really mad that they're gonna tear that park down. Lots of nice memories there from being a kid.

I'm in school right now in Pfeiffer's room. Bored. Me and Zach went out for lunch today, that was fun. Got some fries at Burger King. Then we came back to this hell hole. School's out in like 15 minutes, thank god.

This week's boring. It's snowing outside. I'm sick of snow. Even though it hasn't really snowed much at all. I just hate it already. The only time there should be snow is on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day then it should really just go away.

The more I listen to the new Otep CD, the more I'm amazed. It really is amazing. The only track I didn't really like is "Perfectly Flawed" and that's just because the instrumentals are way too mainstream. I have a quiz tomorrow in Math and some homework for English and History. Oh well. Whatever.

I guess that's all I have to write. Nothing exciting to say and I don't like writing while in school. Peace niggs.

It's me versus me versus them

2007-11-23T20:03:00.000-08:00

I've discovered that it is very hard to work up the motivation to write in here. Today is Black Friday. Happy Late Thanksgiving to you all. Hope you enjoyed eating dead corpses. Thanksgiving was pretty boring. We had everyone over to our house. Grandma, Grandpa, John, John.J, Carol, Jane, Aunt Moony, Uncle Chet, John's friend Hila, my mom, my dad, and me of course. We just sat around, ate, and talked.

So, today was black friday. I actually went out shopping with Zach and Katie. I only bought two shirts. They cost less then $20.00 altogether. I also got some pizza that I didn't finish. Sbarro's is so friggen expensive. It was $5.27 for a slice of pizza and a drink. That's so ridiculous. Whatever. Katie got some stuff and Zach got three video games and a couple movies.

Today was boring. Sat around and did nothing.
Short update I know, but whatever.

It's all about the he said she said bullshit.

2007-11-11T21:09:00.000-08:00

Things are slipping away lately. Faster and faster. It's as if I don't even have the time to realize what's going on. My brain isn't thinking straight. I have no idea who I am anymore or what I am. And honestly, I don't care.

The animal rights group I'm apart of (Beyond Human) did a presentation last night. I brought my rat Barbosa with me and did a little talk on rats. It was an okay turnout. About thirty people I'd say.

After that I went over to Chantal's and everyone was over there. And that got me thinking about crap. None of my friends are going anywheres with there lives. And that's pretty fuckin depressing. I don't even feel like getting into it right now. I'm just too tired. I'll try to write more tomorrow if I feel better but I doubt I will so whatever.

Make you believe in me.

2007-10-16T18:01:00.000-07:00

My stress and depression has caused me to lose ten pounds. So I suppose that's a positive side effect of being depressed. I just weighed myself yesterday and realized I was 10 pounds lighter. Well anyways, things have been really crappy.

Today just started horribly. Got into school, already in a bad mood because I was exhausted and I went to put my sweater into my locker and what's at my locker? A lock. Somebody put a flippin lock on my flippin locker. Heads up: I do not lock my locker because there is nothing in there to steal and because I hate using the locks. I'm not sure if another kid switched a lock or if a custodian put it on or what. So anyways, I went down to the office and talked to the lady down there about it and she said that the locker is no longer technically mine because me and Kayla shared a locker and since Kayla dropped out, it's not mine. Even though back in 9th grade they TOLD us to have a locker "buddy" because there wasn't enough lockers to go around.

I got my five week report which was really good except for Math. I have a D in there. But oh well, I'll bring it up I hope. My Dad picked me up early today because I had two study halls in a row for 6th and 7th. Then I came up here to my aunts and whatnot.

Yesterday, Dorothy was going to drive me home so we went to get in her car and she went to start it and it wouldn't start so we had to walk to her house and then her parents came home and figured out that the key was worn down or something so they had another key and then she drove me home.

I feel miserable...I wrote a lot today about how alone I feel. It's almost a feeling of being abandoned by everyone around me. No one being there.

Right now I'm waiting for Zach to get here and drive me home. He'll probably forget me. Everyone else does hah.

I'm never good enough.

Will you swear on your life, that no one will cry at my funeral...

2007-10-11T19:20:00.000-07:00

I wondered today why I'm so stupid. I wondered why I am like this. This unfertilized embryo leaves my body, sometimes painfully.

I love him some days and others...I think of his stupidity, his bliss ignorance. I'm jealous of his contentedness, his ignorant happiness. His lack of empathy.

I hear a slight whisper of my name. Some door slams possibly. I laugh with them, buy my laugh feels empty. I can't remember the last time I truly laughed. Did I ever truly laugh? What does it matter really?

I. That is what it's all about really.

This week's been boring. Hung out with Zach yesterday for a little while. Watched Silent Hill for the first time. It was pretty decent I guess. I didn't really like the ending. Then we went on a ride over to Wolf Hollow. That was alright.

Stayed home from school today because I was so worn out. I slept til around 12:00. Then I did some overdue math homework and wrote my paper on The Children of the Corn for Mr.Mattice and wrote out five examples of imagery from One From The Road. I have to read more of The Great Gatsby for Mrs.Forte but I really don't want to. I hate this book so much.

Hung out with Kayla, Chantal, and Will on Wednesday. That was alright. I only was there for like two hours. Will's friends from B-Spa picked him up around 9. I had a huge headache yesterday. Zach's gonna drop me off at Ray's tomorrow and then pick me up again around 8 when he gets out of work and we're gonna go up to my aunt's and watch movies or something. I wanna go to down to Barnes and Noble or Border's and get Nikki Sixx's book "The Heroin Diaries". It looks pretty good.

I'm exhausted so I'm gonna go to bed.
Night.

Tinted Windows

2007-10-09T08:12:00.000-07:00

Why do people tint their windows? We begin to accept the way the world looks through them. Dim. And when everything is tinted and dim, you don't know if it really is gloomy outside or not. At least until you open the window. All you can know about the weater is if it's windy or not, from watching the trees move. But it doesn't matter unless you can feel it. I feel it today. I'm inside this school with its false light, yet I still feel that coldness of the outside.

Two posts in one day? Crazy.

2007-10-01T10:51:00.000-07:00

I also had to do a definitive essay for writers workshop. So I wrote on the word "Freedom." I think this is a pretty bad essay for me but oh well, I'll post it anyways.

According to the Oxford dictionary, freedom is the power to act or speak or think without externally imposed restraints. The same dictionary lists the four basic freedoms as being freedom of speech, freedom of religion, freedom from fear, and freedom from want (hunger). However, I believe that it’s so much more than that.
Freedom to me is living without fear. Fear is only absent however when you have no hope and even then fear can still be present. What good is freedom though if you have no hope?
The only freedom that really matters is your inner freedom; if you are free inside. You can still be free even if you’re physically enslaved. Your mind is free to think what you want it too even if your body isn’t.
“Freedoms just another word for nothing left to lose” were the famous words of Janis Joplin in her song “Me and Bobby McGee” and I tend to agree with her.

Dream Narrative

2007-10-01T08:07:00.001-07:00

I had to do this for my writers workshop. I had to write a narrative of a dream I had so I decided I might as well put it on my blog, here it is:

The swing isn’t small anymore. It’s still a bright red and the ropes that hold
it up are smooth and tied together still. The back is not broken. I feel
nauseous from repeating the same swinging motions with my my legs. I push
against the tree with my feet. My eyes are focused on its knots.
One particularly large knot sticks out to me.
It looks like a nose. The curvature is perfect. It almost looks like a cartoon
nose of Jimmy Durante. Although the nose looks like a cartoon nose, I find it
more solemn than laughable.
I’ve found an eye.
The eye just happens to be above the nose. A side profile of some sort. I can’t
seem to find a mouth. The tree is so tall and old. It seems that it has a
furrowed brow. He’s looking angrily at me. I assume it’s a him. Actually I know
and that’s okay.
“What gives you the right to push your
legs against me?” he says. Mouth gaping open as I skid to a stop, possibly
killing innocent insects and kicking dirt into dust that tastes awful in my dry
mouth. The tree seems extremely angry and annoyed with me. “Well I didn’t know
you were alive.” I say. “Maybe you should have asked. Parts of me are dead
just like you.” He replies. Confused, I say “What do you mean? I’m only a little
girl!” This seems to anger him even more than my pushing feet against him
earlier. “I’ve been here for 322 years. I’ve had parts of me die and fall off. I
grow new parts, sometimes they’re stronger…bigger. Sometimes small and weak.
Children have played in my branches, ripping my bark off. I have supported that
noose that lynched black men and women.”
The sky had
seemed to turn the gloomiest of grays and the trees solemn stern face turned to
rage. It was as if the gloom was a full moon effect on a werewolf. The ground
seemed to shake and the tree began to lift its roots out of the ground like a
person struggling to lift their feet out of the mud. He came towards me with the
choppy steps of a toddler. I’m now running for my house. I manage to open the
screen door. I watch the tree through the screen door running for my
house.
I’m in a cold sweat, thrashing, unable to free
myself from the confines of my tangled blankets. I’ve woken up; I turn to see
her next to me. She sleeps with no guilt. I’m not sure which situation is the
nightmare.

I've never known remorse or felt any compassion...

2007-09-06T18:10:00.001-07:00

Things have been crazy the last week so I haven't updated this. My bad. I've been so busy. Not to mention family problems.

Last week me and my parents got in a fight, and as anyone who's been reading my blog already knows I've been depressed as it is. So I ended up overdosing and then I posted a bulletin about it on my myspace(big mistake). And some girl told my parents about it so I ended up in the emergency room two days ago during the morning for a few hours. I guess Lithium toxicity can be serious. I knew I didn't need to go though anyways because I've taken 15 of those pills before and been okay. I don't really want to repeat the whole fight with my parents or anything. I'm sick of explaining it. I've already explained it about fifty times.

School started today. Pretty boring. I went to Zach's around 7 this morning and we walked to school together. We got there just as the bell was ringing pretty much. There's only about 5 people in my first period class, thank god. I'm too tired in the morning to really deal with any more than that. And Brittany Banta(Wanna banta?) is in there with me. So that's cool and all. About five minutes into that class the juniors and seniors got called down to the auditorium so we all went down and we were in there for two hours listening to some guy talk about drunk driving. By the time that was over, I had lunch. First lunch again for the third year in a row. Craziness. Luckily, Billy and Josh are in my lunch so I'm not completely bored out of my skull. Then after that I had study hall and then I had U.S History with Mrs.Spagnola. Heather's in there. So is Sarah, Leah, and Drew. So that class is alright. And then I have gym with Gio. Not the greatest classes.

Tomorrow I have a class with Zach and Dave the Beaner. After school, me and Zach are going up to Ray's cabin in Sacandaga Lake. He's gonna see if Sam wants to go with us. Hopefully she's not working or whatever. I think she only works mornings so it should work out.

Well I'm exhausted and I'm going to go off to bed. Night.

Hurt is the price to pay for feeling...

2007-08-29T17:46:00.000-07:00

I’m sick of my life. I’m sick of everything. Today is another day where I wish more than anything I could just lay down and die. I guess that’s all I deserve anyways. No one gives a crap about me. Who am I kidding anyways? Death is the only way out it seems. I feel fascinated with all forms of it right now. Any form of it. Anything at all to escape this. Escape all of this.

Got in a fight with my Dad today. It was completely pointless and it gained nothing. He basically kept bringing up the past. I’m trying to let it go but he apparently can’t. Everytime I find something that seems to make me happy, such as hanging out with people or whatever, the very minute anyone sees that gleam of happiness, they just want to shut me down and destroy it. Kill it.

I don’t want to hurt anymore. If I could just die, I wouldn’t hurt. I have this feeling in my throat right now, sharp. Tastes awful. Tastes like mistrust. Tastes like hurt. I’m so sick of hurt. So fucking sick of it.

The goal of this world it seems at times is to destroy me. As if I were the cause of everything bad that happens. I feel like a scapegoat. Rachel the scapegoat. Why don’t I just get on all fours and baaaaa all day long? Maybe that would make everyone happy.

In 14 months and 3 days I’ll be eighteen and I will be out of this house. I’ll be out of this town hopefully and I won’t stop until I’m far enough away that no one and nothing can bring me down again. Nothing can hurt me. Because, like I said, I will not be hurt again.

Everyone acts as if everything that has happened over the last four years has only effected them. Well, I hate to ruin everyone’s pity party but it’s effected me more than anyone knows. I’m the one who was completely betrayed. Not them. I’m the one who lost their best friend, their mother, and all sense of self in one year.

I’m not trying to play the victim. I am the victim.

The only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside...

2007-08-28T18:40:00.000-07:00

Well, I feel like crap lately. My dad's been depressed, saying he wishes he was dead. I feel so helpless. And in the meantime I can't handle my own problems at the moment. I just want to get away for like...a year. I can't take it anymore. I can't take anything anymore.

I was going to go to Kayla's house today...but my Dad said I've been over there all week. I wasn't there yesterday so I don't see the big deal. Not to mention this is the last week of summer vacation. But whatever. Who cares right?

Tomorrow night me and Kayla are supposed to go to some place I think in either Johnstown or Gloversville and read our poetry. I'm either going to read "Broken Dollie" or "Heart of A Pig". I'm not sure.

On Friday me, Sam, Zach, and possibly Cory and maybe someone else I don't know, are going to Lake George. I'm excited to get away from here for the day. And hopefully on Saturday I'll be at my aunts for the day and away for some more time.

Whenever I want to talk about anything no one wants to listen. People want to listen to what they want to hear and at their convienance. Well, that's not how it's gonna work with me.

Today I went to my second cousin Judy's house and went riding. I was cantering simon up a hill and he tripped over a rock and I kinda went a little off the saddle and landed on the horn of the saddle with my thigh. It hurts like hell. I'm going to have a huge bruise. Oh well, nothing I can do about it heh.

I feel miserable. Alone slightly. I don't want to talk to anyone about the way I'm feeling and why. I can't.

I don't want to go back to the way I used to be. But it seems inevitable lately. As if, I can't control urges or I can't control anything. Life is fucking pointless. I just feel like laying down and dying. Leave me alone.

I don't even know who I'm talking to.

Can't wait to get out and move forward with my life...

2007-08-23T19:08:00.000-07:00

Last few days have been pretty boring. Went to Kayla's today. That was alright I guess. Ray came over and chilled for awhile. Then Chantal and Will came over, then Jared, Alex, and Anthony came over and whatnot.

I'm so tired and frustrated lately. I had an appointment with my counselor on Wednesday. That went alright I guess. It was actually pretty good, I've been holding too much in lately. Can't take it. I'm tired of everything. I just feel like laying down and dying.

Tomorrow my parents are taking my brother John down to college, and his friend Helah. So Zach's picking me up around 9:00 because we have to run his mom's garage sale and whatnot. Then I'm going over to Kayla's for the rest of the day hopefully. Zach has to work. I might go to the mall with Sam. I doubt it though...because Cory and some other people I can't stand are going too. So I'll just chill over at Kayla's.

I just feel like shit lately. I'm exhausted, worn out. Feel like I've lived longer than I should've. I'm not looking forward to going back to school. I'm going to be so awful towards everyone this year. Worse than last year hah. If that's even possible. The only person I even talk to anymore at school really is Billy. This past year everyone friggen left. It was like all at once too. Zach Czrew, Kayla, Chantal, Chris, Jared...etc. And then some people graduated too like Kristin and Nelson. So now it's basically just me and Billy. I mean there's also Gio, Dave, and a few other people but I don't really hang out with them much. Zach and me don't get a lot of the same classes usually. We might this year cause we're taking like two of the same classes and also we're both hoping to get the same lunch. Last years lunch pretty much sucked. It was me, Amanda, Cory, and Manda. Pretty boring. The year before that was the best lunch ever. Me, Zach, DJ, Billy, Aaron, Dan, Kayla, etc. So yeah, needless to say, it was great.

Why is it that people always say "needless to say" and then we go on to say it anyways? One of the many unanswerable questions of life.

I have to buy some photoalbums. I have way too many loose and scattered pictures. And me and Kayla are waiting for some of our pictures to come back this week too. Me and Ray are doing wonderful. We get along as great as we ever have. It'll be four years this September that we've known eachother.

Well, thats all for now I guess. I'm too tired to stay online. I'm gonna go watch re-runs of Andy Griffith, read, and possibly write.

I shut my doors on that dark guilt...

2007-08-20T19:48:00.000-07:00

Today was pretty boring. Went up to the pet store to buy crickets for Bill. Waited ten minutes for the girl that I can't stand to wait on me. She never knows anything about anything. It's extremely irritating. I like Stacey better. Anyways, so I waited and then finially when I asked her for ten crickets she said they wouldn't be getting any crickets in until tomorrow. Ridiculous. So now I have to wait to get them.

After the pet store ordeal, I went over to Zach's and we watched Alien Ressurrection. Sigourney Weaver is so amazing. Then we went down to the movie store and rented Copy Cat, The Vanishing, Underworld 2, and something else that I can't remember. We only had time to watch Copy Cat though. More Sigourney Weaver! Wohoo. And we ordered pizza and whatnot. Then he drove me home and here I am.

I just spent about half an hour trying to catch my rat Ichabod. He was on the loose behind my nightstand. The baby hamsters are getting bigger and bigger. They're so adorable. I'm planning on keeping one of them. I think the runt probally. I wish I could determine the sex but it's too early and I can't tell. Probally not til the fifth week and we're only a little past the third.

Well I guess that's all I have to say for tonight. Nothing interesting really happened today...I have to fix my comments and put my cbox back. So if you want to comment on one of my entries I suggest going to my myspace or facebook and leaving a message or comment there.

I can't help you fix yourself...

2007-08-19T22:25:00.000-07:00

The day went by pretty smoothly and pretty boringly hah. John and Helah came over for lunch and that was alright. I finished the second Harry Potter book. Now I'm starting this book, "First Person Plural"(I think thats what it's called anyways), the subtitle is "My life as a multiple". I'm only on the second chapter so far but it's okay thus far.

Although the day went pretty smoothly...tonight was insane. Me, Kayla, and Dave all went up to my Grandma's house to watch a movie with John and Helah. So we watched the MST3K version of Space Mutiny. Which is friggen hilarious. We ate and all that good stuff than we left cause my mom wanted me home around 11:00 because I've got stuff to do in the morning and she supposedly wants me to get used to getting up early again for school. Something like that. Although that really doesn't make any sense because I wake up whenever...doesn't matter when I go to sleep. But anyways, so we stopped at the gas station to get some gas(obviously), and Mannie was there and we talked a little. He told me he's moving but he's not telling anyone where he's going. He just wants to get the hell out of this town and I'm guessing forget it. But anyways, after that, Chris came running up to the truck saying "I fell in a fire, I fell in a fire" or something. So he showed us his arm, and literally from his palm to his elbow, he was all burned. Third degree burns. No joke. I guess he was down at the railroad tracks with Konik and some others and Konik "accidentally" pushed him and he fell in the fire they had going. His arm was seriously bubbling. It looked insane. So we took him back to Kayla's and we washed up his arm and put neosporin on it and all that and bandaged it. We wanted to take him to the emergency room but he didn't want to go because he has no health insurance.

So I didn't get home til after 12:30 and my mom was really pissed off. Dave came in with me to explain to her why I was late and she was all "I don't want to hear it and stuff". So finially we got her to listen. She finially was okay with everything and seemed worried about Chris too and told me to call Kayla's and make sure he went down to the ER even if he has to pay just five bucks a month. I'm pretty worried about him actually. Well, I did all I can. It's in his ballpark now I guess.

Time for me to get some sleep. Night.

Full of broken thoughts, I cannot repair...

2007-08-18T20:10:00.001-07:00

Yesterday my aunt, uncle, Zach, Kayla, Dave, and me went to the Great Escape. It was pretty good. Second time this year getting up that way. And at the end of this month me, Sam, and Zach are gonna go stay in Lake George over night so that'll be cool.

Anyways, I'm really sunburned. Which I can't believe, cause usually I'm pretty tan. My arms were already tanned actually so they didn't burn. Just my shoulders and chest. And my back is a little sunburned too. I also stepped on a rock which embedded itself into my foot. I took it out about 3 hours later because I didn't think I actually had the rock IN my foot. I thought that I had stepped on a rock and it just had a lingering pain heh. After we were done at Great Escape we went over to Lake George. There was a guy there playing guitar to earn money for college. He was an awesome singer. He did a Janis Joplin song that was absolutely amazing. Then me and Zach walked around for about an hour and talked. He's worried about future monetary stuff and what he wants to do with his life and stuff. I feel bad. I blame it all on the government. I mean, the government/schools and whatnot put so much pressure on kids to go to college so they can get some more blue collars to earn money for them. I bet when I'm older I'll get arrested for tax evasion or something. Well anyhow, his parents don't help much because they have the whole mindset that a kid should work to go to college and they shouldn't really help out financially. I mean, I think what they should do is pay for the first semester and if your kid gets lower than a certain grade, I wouldn't pay for anymore until they raised their grade. I know I'm going to be working my ass off if I want to go to college considering my family is pretty much flat ass broke. Which I don't mind. Growing up in a lower middle class family at least gives you a better working ethic and I never was a spoiled kid and I'm pretty damn thankful for that. I mean I remember friends of mine getting toys for no reason and stuff. And I remember when I was little I would get excited if my mom brought me home a bag of skittles. And I think that that's wonderful. No sarcasm. I think it's great to bring up your children so thier not spoiled. I think it's better to not have children at all though. Overpopulation is a problem

I feel like crap today. I'm exhausted, in pain, and feeling kind of overall depressed. Luckily I'm too tired to do anything insanely retarded. I'm out of stuff too. Enh. I had a really weird dream last night. Kind of scary but I don't want to get into that. I have a counseling appointment next week and I'm actually kind of looking forward to it for once. I hate counseling but I've been holding back so much lately, it's like my chest is going to explode. I've been thinking a lot about the incident that happened four years ago with my cousin and how no matter how hard you try to move on, no matter how much you do move on. It doesn't leave. PTSD(Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is awful. I just don't think I'm ever going to be the same person I was before that. I don't think I can ever go back to truly living. Because I lost my best friend. I lost my confidant. I lost my cousin. I lost a part of my family. I lost part of myself.

I lost it all.
And all I want right now is to lay outside in the grass and the dirt and let it devour me.
I just want to be dead right now.
Honestly, what do I have left anymore? Friends are a joke. Family is just a gene pool. As for me? I don't even have myself anymore. My body feels like it's been seperated from myself. I often feel like I'm staring back at me. And maybe I am. Maybe that's all we ever look for in eachother.
Pieces of ourselves.

I wanna tear you up I wanna break you down...

2007-08-14T08:43:00.000-07:00

The last two weeks have been pretty crazy. Hung out with Chris, Kayla, and Dave on Thursday. That was fun. Kayla was really really really, and let me add another for effect, REALLY drunk. And so me and Chris talked politics and smoked. We really got along. He was drinking a beer but he seemed completely with it and knew exactly what he was talking about when it came to politics. So meanwhile, Dave is chasing Kayla around trying to stop her from burning herself with her ciggarette heh. So anyways, Chris was amazing. We had the same ideas about everything. From George Bush to education…to anarchy…to global warming. I was completely taken aback by how smart he was. I’m not used to anyone being on the same wavelength as me intellectually. So then he told me how he’s always liked me and how he thought it was cool that I knew so much about things that no one else cares about. So to make a long story short, we ended up going out. And then he said he was going to go with me, Dave, and Kayla garage saleing Saturday and then to the show. He said that yeah he would go and whatnot. So then, I couldn’t sleep that night for some reason.

On Friday Zach called and we decided to hang out so we went and got his check and decided to go see if Sam wanted to hang out. We drove over to her house and Cory was there, I guess he had been dropping her off from work. We kinda hung around her place for a bit. Rode her super sweet scooter hah, then we put her ferret in the pool. So, we decided to ask Cory if he wanted to hang out too because it would have been kind of rude not to. So we all drove down to his house so he could drop off his car for his mom. He went into his house and then came out and asked if it was alright if his little sister Brandy could come with us. Me and Zach weren’t thrilled about that but again, it would have been rude to say no. So we all crammed into the car and went down to Crossgates mall. At Crossgates Sam had her first experience on an escalator hah. I couldn’t believe she’d never been on one. So it was funny. I only bought one thing, and that was a poster called “Bushisms” with stupid things Bush said that were quoted. I bought it for my uncle though. So I actually didn’t buy anything for myself. Then on our way home, we went the wrong way on the thruway and Cory and Brandy were being really annoying saying “WHERE ARE WE GOING?!?” and then reading signs and saying “OMG WERE GOING TO BOSTON” or “OMG WERE GOING TO NYC” and stupid stuff like that. It was driving me, Zach, and Sam crazy. We knew we were going the wrong way, we just had to find the right exit to get off on. So finially we got on the right track. After that little fun expedition, we went to Cronies to have dinner. At which time, Brandy accidently spilled lemonade all on me and Zach. It was already freezing but it just got colder after that.

Then we dropped Sam off cause she said she was really tired. Luckily, on our way to drop Cory and Brandy off it was a fairly quiet ride. I had a hard time finding songs on the radio though that Cory didn’t know. I really hate when he sings along to songs. It’s irritating. Then Zach went to drop me off and he accidently went about ten minutes past the turn to go up the hill to my aunt’s place. The turn is right on route five so it was impossible to find a place to turn around. Then yet again I couldn’t get to sleep. Fun right?

Dave said he was going to pick me up really early to go garage saleing but of course him and Kayla slept in so he didn’t end up picking me up til around 12. I asked where Chris was when he picked me up and he said he had decided he didn’t want to come. Instead he was out getting drunk with Alex or something. I was really fricken pissed about that. So then we went over to pick up Chantal, Will, and Ray at Chantal’s house. Ray answered the door and Chantal and Will were still asleep. So I went in and woke them up. Took them like 20 minutes to get ready which I’m sure Dave and Kayla didn’t mind waiting by themselves heh. Then we all went up to Hagaman, because they were having their city wide garage sale. I actually only spent fifty-cents! I’m pretty proud of myself. I usually spend anywhere from 10 to 20 dollars hah. We found one of those old machines with belt and you stand on it and the thing is around your waist and its supposed to massage you and help you lose weight. I think it’s called the “belt buster” hah. It was free so Ray took it lol. Then we went down to the mall, I forget what the original reason was for us to do that, but we went and Kayla bought a bunny. Fluffball of a thing. We were gonna go straight to the concert after that but we had to drop off the rabbit and Chantal and Will decided that they didn’t want to go anyways. I didn’t want to really go either but I was hoping that Chris would show up with Alex. Well, Alex was there but Chris wasn’t. I was really upset…being ditched twice. There was a lot of people there that I can’t stand and or hate. So anyways, I basically got the hint that he doesn’t like me. So I came to find out that in actuality he had been drunk and that’s just the way he acts when he’s drunk and he told me that he didn’t really want to go out. I swear, he is the most composed drunk I’ve ever seen.. Whatever. The concert really sucked. Bunch of crap stupid hardcore bands(Heal These Wounds, Ghosthunt, etc) and scene kids that think you can mosh when your ten feet apart. So we decided to leave and we went to (get this), PIZZA TIME! So we had Kayla go up and ask what time it was and me, Dave, and Ray all said “PIIIIIIIIZZZZA TIME”. Yeah, we’re pretty amazing. Then I started to sing MC HAMMER and instead of hammer time I insterted “Pizza Time!”.
This entry is getting really long. Oh well. So me and Ray got back together. I’m really happy about that. He actually treates me like an equal. Not like a weak female.

So anyways, back to Saturday night, we went back to Kayla’s house after going to get pizza and we were sitting around. Dave was going to go to a meeting about the movie he’s making but then Kayla’s phone rang…and it was her Dad. I guess he was on his way to work and he decided to stop at Barnes and Nobles and he passed out (he has a lot of health problems) and got put in Albany Med. So we had to go down there and pick up his car and visit him. First off, before I continue, I need to make this clear for all readers hah, I absolutely despise hospitals. I mean despise. They’re terrible. Ever since my mother had cancer I hate going in there. Which is kind of ironic since my mother works in one. We went and picked up Chantal, Will, and Chantal’s mom Kathy(she had to drive back Kayla’s dad’s car). I didn’t go in the hospital, Ray waited with me in the car and whatnot. Eventually I decided to go in because I didn’t want to see unsupportive. He’s okay…but I could tell Kayla was still upset. Then I went back to my aunts. It was around 3 when I got back. And that was the end of the lovely night.

Zach came over yesterday to go swimming. My mom drove us home around 10 and then I finially got some sleep. I woke up today around 3 and my distant cousin Judy came over. She has 3 horses and like 5 dogs and she’s pretty cool. I’m going over there on Thursday to go riding. That’ll be cool. Tomorrow me, Sam, Zach, Zach’s friend DaShon, and possibly Tabatha are going down to Crossgates for awhile. Don’t know what else we’re all doing. Gotta see. Might bring Ray with us too. I don’t know. Well I’m gonna go I guess and eat my pizza. This was way too long hah.

It's been a long time comin...

2007-08-08T19:14:00.001-07:00

So, I haven't updated this in awhile. Things have been kind of hectic. I ended up having my rat Hermie put down. It was pretty damn sad. The vet told me I should leave because it wasn't a pleasent thing, but there was no way in hell I would leave so I told him I perferred to stay. I've heard way too many horror stories about what happens after the owner leaves. Vets just don't care about rats like they do about dogs and cats. It's extremely irritating. Here's his picture a few days before he died...the picture doesn't do him much justice:

R.I.P Hermie

I hope your death is more restful then your life was.

So then we went on vacation last week up to Niagra Falls. That went okay I guess. We went to the Utica Zoo and to the Rosamond Gifford Park Zoo. Frankly, the whole vacation just completely wiped me out. But oh well. We got back around 11:00 last Thursday night. Then on Friday me, Zach, Sam, Cory, and Moose all went to the Great Escape. That pretty fun except for the fact that Cory was being a little bitch just because Sam wanted to ride a ride with Zach instead of him. I mean..he's 20 for christ's sake. Grow up a little. Then afterwards we went up to Lake George which was actually funner than the Great Escape.

I've been really down lately...I don't know. I just keep thinking about the past. Why? What is the use in that? I keep thinking about the wrongs I should have righted. The wrongs I'll never be able to right. I keep thinking about things I should have done, shouldn't have done...things that wouldn't have happened if it weren't for my mere existence. I feel like a waste of oxygen most of the time. I just want to sleep. I want to get away from this place. This house. This town.

I met someone new who's quickly becoming part of my life. I don't know. It's pretty crazy. I think..oh I don't know. Whatever.

That's all for now. Peace negros.

If you don't think than you shouldn't talk...

2007-07-28T19:33:00.000-07:00

Last few days have been okay I guess. Hermie is getting worse. His breathing is fast and he can barely move around. At least not comfortably.

On Thursday night me, Zach, and Sam went out. We went to go to Animal Land but it was closed hah. So then we went to the mall. We went in one of those overpriced photobooth's. Here's the picture:After that we went to my aunt's house and Sam watched while me and Zach swam. Then we went over to Sam's and played with her ferret Speaaagol hah.

On Friday me and Zach went to go get my ferret but the guy wasn't there so now I have to go back up to B-Spa to get it this week. That pissed me off. Oh well. I'm naming her Antigone.

That piece of crap Kevin has continued to talk shit about me. But whatever...I was going to write him and give him a piece of my mind but then I decided to not even bother. Seriously, what would be the point? He's never going to grow up. He's mad because when he tried to make things up with me a few months back I refused because I'm through with him and his insincere apologies. He doesn't even know the meaning of friendship. He's a complete user. He'll never be anything more than that. He's not used to people saying no to him and I did so he's just pissed. Oh well, I'm better than him anyways. At least I don't live off the government and my friends, at least I'm going to graduate and I'm getting my license. Seriously. I'm just mad that he has the nerve to talk about me when he's the one who hurt me. I want to feel sorry for him but after the shit he put me through I can't even bring myself to do that.

I'm watching Alice In Wonderland right now. Hehe, I love this movie so friggen much. I'm also working on my heroes section on my myspace. Probably won't finish until tomorrow because I'm so tired. I'm falling more and more for this certain guy every time we talk. I don't know. I'm a little uncertain about it for some reasons but hey whatever. I mean, I want to be in a relationship again but I don't want to jump into anything. He's just really sweet but he's not like up my ass which is a nice change.

Me, Sam, Zach, and this guy are going to Great Escape this Friday hopefully. Sam's trying to get the day off. If not we won't leave til around 2:00. As long as we get to go. It's gonna be wicked fun.

Oh and in closing, DON'T STEP ON THE MOMERATHS!

Getting back on track, get off of my back.

2007-07-24T22:32:00.000-07:00

Just another day I suppose. Nothing too exciting happened. Me and my Dad went out to eat for lunch at Cappie's. That was nice. Then we went to the pet store so I could buy some crickets for Bill the Lizard.

Came home, went down to the barn and worked some with Jitterbug. He's getting a lot better about having me on his back. I even had my Dad lead him around while I was on him. So then my aunt picked me up around 3:30 and we had to take my brother Dave to drop off a check to the lady he's buying his new car from. He makes me so mad sometimes. I mean my aunt has a free car for him(he would have to replace the muffler but thats not really a big deal). But no, he has to buy a giant gas hog of a car because my aunt's isn't his style. Maybe it's just me...FREE is my style hah. Oh well. To each his own. But he really doesn't have any money in the bank, he works at Wal Mart, and he's 25. Yet he's taking out a loan to buy this car. So now John gets my aunt's car if he wants it and if he doesnt, then I get it.

Zach came up tonight. We watched a lot of T.V and just fooled around. He left around 12:00. He has to work tomorrow but he's going to be off on Thursday and Friday.

This guy that I went out with at one point thinks it's okay to just pop up out of nowhere like nothing's changed. I think not. If someone makes NO effort to contact me and then I finially do and they don't apologize for their wrongs, then they can go jump off an extremely tall building.

I don't know what to start reading next...I've got it narrowed down to four choices. Tell me which one I should read...:

The second Harry Potter book
Mystic River
When The Rabbit Growls
I forget what this one's called but the subtitle thingy says "My life as a multiple".

I was reading "Her Husband" by Diane Middlebrook about Sylvia Plath and Ted Hughes' relationship but I don't know..I just can't get into it anymore. I'm on page 100 and something but I don't know. I'm not really in the mood for "biographies" or whatever.

Well, tomorrow I'm going to my friend Bryan's father's funeral. I hate funerals but I think it would be disrespectful to not go and pay my respects and also just to tell Bryan in person that I'll be thinking of him and all of that.

Well, It's almost 3 o clock and I plan to be up by 5 to have coffee with my aunt and uncle. So I should probally end this entry. I haven't been able to really sleep tonight. Just kind of down and out. I love the nighttime..but I hate how I get depressed when it comes around. Oh well, nothing you can do about that really.

Hermie

2007-07-23T19:45:00.000-07:00

As pathetic as it sounds, I've been perparing myself for the ultimate death of my rat Hermie. I know that it's coming soon and it probally makes no sense to any of you, but it's gonna kill me. I love him. I've been looking up on google for the last hour what kind of foods will help him and medications to use. I want to make the remainder of his life comfortable and enjoyable. He's still a sweetheart always optimistic, bright eyes, ears up.

Today I had to bathe him because he smelled like urine. He's lost all use of his back legs(degenerative paralyisis) so he can't clean himself properly. I had to clean out his ears with a q-tip. He had a really gross ammount of wax build up.

If I could find the person who owned him before I did..(I got him at a pet shop, they gave him away because he was so big that snakes wouldn't even eat him), I would personally bash their head in. What he must have been through, and yet he's still trusting.

For those who don't know, Hermie is a genetic mutation. Somebody bred some weird cross of rats and he was the product. Here's a picture of him to show what I mean, he has a very abnormal look. Half hairless. Just patches of fur.

Also, he has cigarette burn marks on his skin, that aren't too visible in this picture. He's losing weight rapidly as of lately. I can see his the bones on his back.

I could kill whoever did all this to him. I really could.