The name is Rachel. I'm sixteen years too old and from that wonderful filthy state of New York. I'm a scorpio, a vegetarian, and an animal rights activist. I love animals. I'm a stubborn female of mostly Irish and German descent. People make me physically ill. Trying to get me to change my mind is a pointless effort. I will debate you until your too tired to debate. Unless your a complete moron. In which case, I won't waste my time talking to you. I don't say anything unless I have something to say. Think about it.

July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007

AIM: GetHisScentOffMe
Myspace:Click Here

I’m sick of my life. I’m sick of everything. Today is another day where I wish more than anything I could just lay down and die. I guess that’s all I deserve anyways. No one gives a crap about me. Who am I kidding anyways? Death is the only way out it seems. I feel fascinated with all forms of it right now. Any form of it. Anything at all to escape this. Escape all of this.

Got in a fight with my Dad today. It was completely pointless and it gained nothing. He basically kept bringing up the past. I’m trying to let it go but he apparently can’t. Everytime I find something that seems to make me happy, such as hanging out with people or whatever, the very minute anyone sees that gleam of happiness, they just want to shut me down and destroy it. Kill it.

I don’t want to hurt anymore. If I could just die, I wouldn’t hurt. I have this feeling in my throat right now, sharp. Tastes awful. Tastes like mistrust. Tastes like hurt. I’m so sick of hurt. So fucking sick of it.

The goal of this world it seems at times is to destroy me. As if I were the cause of everything bad that happens. I feel like a scapegoat. Rachel the scapegoat. Why don’t I just get on all fours and baaaaa all day long? Maybe that would make everyone happy.

In 14 months and 3 days I’ll be eighteen and I will be out of this house. I’ll be out of this town hopefully and I won’t stop until I’m far enough away that no one and nothing can bring me down again. Nothing can hurt me. Because, like I said, I will not be hurt again.

Everyone acts as if everything that has happened over the last four years has only effected them. Well, I hate to ruin everyone’s pity party but it’s effected me more than anyone knows. I’m the one who was completely betrayed. Not them. I’m the one who lost their best friend, their mother, and all sense of self in one year.

I’m not trying to play the victim. I am the victim.

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Well, I feel like crap lately. My dad's been depressed, saying he wishes he was dead. I feel so helpless. And in the meantime I can't handle my own problems at the moment. I just want to get away for like...a year. I can't take it anymore. I can't take anything anymore.

I was going to go to Kayla's house today...but my Dad said I've been over there all week. I wasn't there yesterday so I don't see the big deal. Not to mention this is the last week of summer vacation. But whatever. Who cares right?

Tomorrow night me and Kayla are supposed to go to some place I think in either Johnstown or Gloversville and read our poetry. I'm either going to read "Broken Dollie" or "Heart of A Pig". I'm not sure.

On Friday me, Sam, Zach, and possibly Cory and maybe someone else I don't know, are going to Lake George. I'm excited to get away from here for the day. And hopefully on Saturday I'll be at my aunts for the day and away for some more time.

Whenever I want to talk about anything no one wants to listen. People want to listen to what they want to hear and at their convienance. Well, that's not how it's gonna work with me.

Today I went to my second cousin Judy's house and went riding. I was cantering simon up a hill and he tripped over a rock and I kinda went a little off the saddle and landed on the horn of the saddle with my thigh. It hurts like hell. I'm going to have a huge bruise. Oh well, nothing I can do about it heh.

I feel miserable. Alone slightly. I don't want to talk to anyone about the way I'm feeling and why. I can't.

I don't want to go back to the way I used to be. But it seems inevitable lately. As if, I can't control urges or I can't control anything. Life is fucking pointless. I just feel like laying down and dying. Leave me alone.

I don't even know who I'm talking to.


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Last few days have been pretty boring. Went to Kayla's today. That was alright I guess. Ray came over and chilled for awhile. Then Chantal and Will came over, then Jared, Alex, and Anthony came over and whatnot.

I'm so tired and frustrated lately. I had an appointment with my counselor on Wednesday. That went alright I guess. It was actually pretty good, I've been holding too much in lately. Can't take it. I'm tired of everything. I just feel like laying down and dying.

Tomorrow my parents are taking my brother John down to college, and his friend Helah. So Zach's picking me up around 9:00 because we have to run his mom's garage sale and whatnot. Then I'm going over to Kayla's for the rest of the day hopefully. Zach has to work. I might go to the mall with Sam. I doubt it though...because Cory and some other people I can't stand are going too. So I'll just chill over at Kayla's.

I just feel like shit lately. I'm exhausted, worn out. Feel like I've lived longer than I should've. I'm not looking forward to going back to school. I'm going to be so awful towards everyone this year. Worse than last year hah. If that's even possible. The only person I even talk to anymore at school really is Billy. This past year everyone friggen left. It was like all at once too. Zach Czrew, Kayla, Chantal, Chris, Jared...etc. And then some people graduated too like Kristin and Nelson. So now it's basically just me and Billy. I mean there's also Gio, Dave, and a few other people but I don't really hang out with them much. Zach and me don't get a lot of the same classes usually. We might this year cause we're taking like two of the same classes and also we're both hoping to get the same lunch. Last years lunch pretty much sucked. It was me, Amanda, Cory, and Manda. Pretty boring. The year before that was the best lunch ever. Me, Zach, DJ, Billy, Aaron, Dan, Kayla, etc. So yeah, needless to say, it was great.

Why is it that people always say "needless to say" and then we go on to say it anyways? One of the many unanswerable questions of life.

I have to buy some photoalbums. I have way too many loose and scattered pictures. And me and Kayla are waiting for some of our pictures to come back this week too. Me and Ray are doing wonderful. We get along as great as we ever have. It'll be four years this September that we've known eachother.

Well, thats all for now I guess. I'm too tired to stay online. I'm gonna go watch re-runs of Andy Griffith, read, and possibly write.

Labels: death, kayla, lunch, photoalbums, school

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Today was pretty boring. Went up to the pet store to buy crickets for Bill. Waited ten minutes for the girl that I can't stand to wait on me. She never knows anything about anything. It's extremely irritating. I like Stacey better. Anyways, so I waited and then finially when I asked her for ten crickets she said they wouldn't be getting any crickets in until tomorrow. Ridiculous. So now I have to wait to get them.

After the pet store ordeal, I went over to Zach's and we watched Alien Ressurrection. Sigourney Weaver is so amazing. Then we went down to the movie store and rented Copy Cat, The Vanishing, Underworld 2, and something else that I can't remember. We only had time to watch Copy Cat though. More Sigourney Weaver! Wohoo. And we ordered pizza and whatnot. Then he drove me home and here I am.

I just spent about half an hour trying to catch my rat Ichabod. He was on the loose behind my nightstand. The baby hamsters are getting bigger and bigger. They're so adorable. I'm planning on keeping one of them. I think the runt probally. I wish I could determine the sex but it's too early and I can't tell. Probally not til the fifth week and we're only a little past the third.

Well I guess that's all I have to say for tonight. Nothing interesting really happened today...I have to fix my comments and put my cbox back. So if you want to comment on one of my entries I suggest going to my myspace or facebook and leaving a message or comment there.

Labels: alien ressurrection, copy cat, crickets, hamsters, lizard, pet store, rats, sigourney weaver, zach

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The day went by pretty smoothly and pretty boringly hah. John and Helah came over for lunch and that was alright. I finished the second Harry Potter book. Now I'm starting this book, "First Person Plural"(I think thats what it's called anyways), the subtitle is "My life as a multiple". I'm only on the second chapter so far but it's okay thus far.

Although the day went pretty smoothly...tonight was insane. Me, Kayla, and Dave all went up to my Grandma's house to watch a movie with John and Helah. So we watched the MST3K version of Space Mutiny. Which is friggen hilarious. We ate and all that good stuff than we left cause my mom wanted me home around 11:00 because I've got stuff to do in the morning and she supposedly wants me to get used to getting up early again for school. Something like that. Although that really doesn't make any sense because I wake up whenever...doesn't matter when I go to sleep. But anyways, so we stopped at the gas station to get some gas(obviously), and Mannie was there and we talked a little. He told me he's moving but he's not telling anyone where he's going. He just wants to get the hell out of this town and I'm guessing forget it. But anyways, after that, Chris came running up to the truck saying "I fell in a fire, I fell in a fire" or something. So he showed us his arm, and literally from his palm to his elbow, he was all burned. Third degree burns. No joke. I guess he was down at the railroad tracks with Konik and some others and Konik "accidentally" pushed him and he fell in the fire they had going. His arm was seriously bubbling. It looked insane. So we took him back to Kayla's and we washed up his arm and put neosporin on it and all that and bandaged it. We wanted to take him to the emergency room but he didn't want to go because he has no health insurance.

So I didn't get home til after 12:30 and my mom was really pissed off. Dave came in with me to explain to her why I was late and she was all "I don't want to hear it and stuff". So finially we got her to listen. She finially was okay with everything and seemed worried about Chris too and told me to call Kayla's and make sure he went down to the ER even if he has to pay just five bucks a month. I'm pretty worried about him actually. Well, I did all I can. It's in his ballpark now I guess.

Time for me to get some sleep. Night.

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Yesterday my aunt, uncle, Zach, Kayla, Dave, and me went to the Great Escape. It was pretty good. Second time this year getting up that way. And at the end of this month me, Sam, and Zach are gonna go stay in Lake George over night so that'll be cool.

Anyways, I'm really sunburned. Which I can't believe, cause usually I'm pretty tan. My arms were already tanned actually so they didn't burn. Just my shoulders and chest. And my back is a little sunburned too. I also stepped on a rock which embedded itself into my foot. I took it out about 3 hours later because I didn't think I actually had the rock IN my foot. I thought that I had stepped on a rock and it just had a lingering pain heh. After we were done at Great Escape we went over to Lake George. There was a guy there playing guitar to earn money for college. He was an awesome singer. He did a Janis Joplin song that was absolutely amazing. Then me and Zach walked around for about an hour and talked. He's worried about future monetary stuff and what he wants to do with his life and stuff. I feel bad. I blame it all on the government. I mean, the government/schools and whatnot put so much pressure on kids to go to college so they can get some more blue collars to earn money for them. I bet when I'm older I'll get arrested for tax evasion or something. Well anyhow, his parents don't help much because they have the whole mindset that a kid should work to go to college and they shouldn't really help out financially. I mean, I think what they should do is pay for the first semester and if your kid gets lower than a certain grade, I wouldn't pay for anymore until they raised their grade. I know I'm going to be working my ass off if I want to go to college considering my family is pretty much flat ass broke. Which I don't mind. Growing up in a lower middle class family at least gives you a better working ethic and I never was a spoiled kid and I'm pretty damn thankful for that. I mean I remember friends of mine getting toys for no reason and stuff. And I remember when I was little I would get excited if my mom brought me home a bag of skittles. And I think that that's wonderful. No sarcasm. I think it's great to bring up your children so thier not spoiled. I think it's better to not have children at all though. Overpopulation is a problem

I feel like crap today. I'm exhausted, in pain, and feeling kind of overall depressed. Luckily I'm too tired to do anything insanely retarded. I'm out of stuff too. Enh. I had a really weird dream last night. Kind of scary but I don't want to get into that. I have a counseling appointment next week and I'm actually kind of looking forward to it for once. I hate counseling but I've been holding back so much lately, it's like my chest is going to explode. I've been thinking a lot about the incident that happened four years ago with my cousin and how no matter how hard you try to move on, no matter how much you do move on. It doesn't leave. PTSD(Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is awful. I just don't think I'm ever going to be the same person I was before that. I don't think I can ever go back to truly living. Because I lost my best friend. I lost my confidant. I lost my cousin. I lost a part of my family. I lost part of myself.

I lost it all.
And all I want right now is to lay outside in the grass and the dirt and let it devour me.
I just want to be dead right now.
Honestly, what do I have left anymore? Friends are a joke. Family is just a gene pool. As for me? I don't even have myself anymore. My body feels like it's been seperated from myself. I often feel like I'm staring back at me. And maybe I am. Maybe that's all we ever look for in eachother.
Pieces of ourselves.

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The last two weeks have been pretty crazy. Hung out with Chris, Kayla, and Dave on Thursday. That was fun. Kayla was really really really, and let me add another for effect, REALLY drunk. And so me and Chris talked politics and smoked. We really got along. He was drinking a beer but he seemed completely with it and knew exactly what he was talking about when it came to politics. So meanwhile, Dave is chasing Kayla around trying to stop her from burning herself with her ciggarette heh. So anyways, Chris was amazing. We had the same ideas about everything. From George Bush to education…to anarchy…to global warming. I was completely taken aback by how smart he was. I’m not used to anyone being on the same wavelength as me intellectually. So then he told me how he’s always liked me and how he thought it was cool that I knew so much about things that no one else cares about. So to make a long story short, we ended up going out. And then he said he was going to go with me, Dave, and Kayla garage saleing Saturday and then to the show. He said that yeah he would go and whatnot. So then, I couldn’t sleep that night for some reason.

On Friday Zach called and we decided to hang out so we went and got his check and decided to go see if Sam wanted to hang out. We drove over to her house and Cory was there, I guess he had been dropping her off from work. We kinda hung around her place for a bit. Rode her super sweet scooter hah, then we put her ferret in the pool. So, we decided to ask Cory if he wanted to hang out too because it would have been kind of rude not to. So we all drove down to his house so he could drop off his car for his mom. He went into his house and then came out and asked if it was alright if his little sister Brandy could come with us. Me and Zach weren’t thrilled about that but again, it would have been rude to say no. So we all crammed into the car and went down to Crossgates mall. At Crossgates Sam had her first experience on an escalator hah. I couldn’t believe she’d never been on one. So it was funny. I only bought one thing, and that was a poster called “Bushisms” with stupid things Bush said that were quoted. I bought it for my uncle though. So I actually didn’t buy anything for myself. Then on our way home, we went the wrong way on the thruway and Cory and Brandy were being really annoying saying “WHERE ARE WE GOING?!?” and then reading signs and saying “OMG WERE GOING TO BOSTON” or “OMG WERE GOING TO NYC” and stupid stuff like that. It was driving me, Zach, and Sam crazy. We knew we were going the wrong way, we just had to find the right exit to get off on. So finially we got on the right track. After that little fun expedition, we went to Cronies to have dinner. At which time, Brandy accidently spilled lemonade all on me and Zach. It was already freezing but it just got colder after that.

Then we dropped Sam off cause she said she was really tired. Luckily, on our way to drop Cory and Brandy off it was a fairly quiet ride. I had a hard time finding songs on the radio though that Cory didn’t know. I really hate when he sings along to songs. It’s irritating. Then Zach went to drop me off and he accidently went about ten minutes past the turn to go up the hill to my aunt’s place. The turn is right on route five so it was impossible to find a place to turn around. Then yet again I couldn’t get to sleep. Fun right?

Dave said he was going to pick me up really early to go garage saleing but of course him and Kayla slept in so he didn’t end up picking me up til around 12. I asked where Chris was when he picked me up and he said he had decided he didn’t want to come. Instead he was out getting drunk with Alex or something. I was really fricken pissed about that. So then we went over to pick up Chantal, Will, and Ray at Chantal’s house. Ray answered the door and Chantal and Will were still asleep. So I went in and woke them up. Took them like 20 minutes to get ready which I’m sure Dave and Kayla didn’t mind waiting by themselves heh. Then we all went up to Hagaman, because they were having their city wide garage sale. I actually only spent fifty-cents! I’m pretty proud of myself. I usually spend anywhere from 10 to 20 dollars hah. We found one of those old machines with belt and you stand on it and the thing is around your waist and its supposed to massage you and help you lose weight. I think it’s called the “belt buster” hah. It was free so Ray took it lol. Then we went down to the mall, I forget what the original reason was for us to do that, but we went and Kayla bought a bunny. Fluffball of a thing. We were gonna go straight to the concert after that but we had to drop off the rabbit and Chantal and Will decided that they didn’t want to go anyways. I didn’t want to really go either but I was hoping that Chris would show up with Alex. Well, Alex was there but Chris wasn’t. I was really upset…being ditched twice. There was a lot of people there that I can’t stand and or hate. So anyways, I basically got the hint that he doesn’t like me. So I came to find out that in actuality he had been drunk and that’s just the way he acts when he’s drunk and he told me that he didn’t really want to go out. I swear, he is the most composed drunk I’ve ever seen.. Whatever. The concert really sucked. Bunch of crap stupid hardcore bands(Heal These Wounds, Ghosthunt, etc) and scene kids that think you can mosh when your ten feet apart. So we decided to leave and we went to (get this), PIZZA TIME! So we had Kayla go up and ask what time it was and me, Dave, and Ray all said “PIIIIIIIIZZZZA TIME”. Yeah, we’re pretty amazing. Then I started to sing MC HAMMER and instead of hammer time I insterted “Pizza Time!”.
This entry is getting really long. Oh well. So me and Ray got back together. I’m really happy about that. He actually treates me like an equal. Not like a weak female.

So anyways, back to Saturday night, we went back to Kayla’s house after going to get pizza and we were sitting around. Dave was going to go to a meeting about the movie he’s making but then Kayla’s phone rang…and it was her Dad. I guess he was on his way to work and he decided to stop at Barnes and Nobles and he passed out (he has a lot of health problems) and got put in Albany Med. So we had to go down there and pick up his car and visit him. First off, before I continue, I need to make this clear for all readers hah, I absolutely despise hospitals. I mean despise. They’re terrible. Ever since my mother had cancer I hate going in there. Which is kind of ironic since my mother works in one. We went and picked up Chantal, Will, and Chantal’s mom Kathy(she had to drive back Kayla’s dad’s car). I didn’t go in the hospital, Ray waited with me in the car and whatnot. Eventually I decided to go in because I didn’t want to see unsupportive. He’s okay…but I could tell Kayla was still upset. Then I went back to my aunts. It was around 3 when I got back. And that was the end of the lovely night.

Zach came over yesterday to go swimming. My mom drove us home around 10 and then I finially got some sleep. I woke up today around 3 and my distant cousin Judy came over. She has 3 horses and like 5 dogs and she’s pretty cool. I’m going over there on Thursday to go riding. That’ll be cool. Tomorrow me, Sam, Zach, Zach’s friend DaShon, and possibly Tabatha are going down to Crossgates for awhile. Don’t know what else we’re all doing. Gotta see. Might bring Ray with us too. I don’t know. Well I’m gonna go I guess and eat my pizza. This was way too long hah.

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